Long story, very short: There was too much on my plate. I gave up on regular exercise 3 years ago. Not my best idea.
So. What to do, what to do.
Well. I found my solution! I joined a Masters swim team! It's huge. There's like 5 of us? I mean, that'd be a day with awesome turnout. But I pay money to show up at the pool at 5.15am and have somebody tell me what to do to workout. And make me push myself. But help me not overdo it. And expect me there. (And help my butterfly be not quite as embarrassing.) AND IT IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY!
I feel whole.
As a mother, I can't just give up on things that make my heart sing its own little song. Sometimes I have to put them to the side for a bit. They are often the first thing to go in times of stress, family need, or emergency. And honestly, that's okay. Being a mother entails a lot of sacrifice and putting someone else's needs above your own more than I ever realized. God stretches me to help me love deeper and purer; helping me declutter my life. But He doesn't ask me to completely give up on my dreams. Just to put it in a timing and place that is more in line with His plans for me.
I am remembering that in all the planning, trying, worrying, hoping, enduring, and praying of my mothering journey, that there I need my own dreams, plans, hopes, and discovery. Mothers are people too.